10000 NOs Read online

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Introduction

  CHAPTER 1: Getting Started Keep It Simple, Stupid

  Before You Take Your First Step, Ask Yourself Why You're Moving

  Everybody Needs Some Billy Sometimes

  CHAPTER 2: Work Ethic Nature versus Nurture

  Getting to Know Fear

  The West Wing Experience

  Nobody Walks on the Hill!

  CHAPTER 3: Performance, Anxiety, and Instinct Two Sides of the Same Coin

  You Can Take the Kid Out of the Black Box …

  Doesn't Take Much to Be Knocked Off Course

  There Are Hit Shows … and There Are Hits in Shows

  Instincts: Trust Your Gut

  CHAPTER 4: Discipline and Training The Game Is Won or Lost Before You Even Take the Field

  Buy Speed

  If You're Gonna Talk the Talk, Ya Gotta Walk the Walk

  The Right Way Is the Way that Works for You

  CHAPTER 5: Risk Conquer or Die

  Don't Take It Personally, Take It Professionally

  What Goes Up Must Come Down

  Free-fallin'

  CHAPTER 6: Perseverance Perseverance Is for Everyone

  Sometimes Life Is Going to Pancake You

  Is Your Biggest Break a Few Doors Down the Hallway?

  CHAPTER 7: Reframing It's Not the Canvas, It's What You See in the Canvas

  There's No Business Like Show Business

  Out of Work? Start a Podcast!

  CHAPTER 8: Surrender The Art of Fighting Without Fighting

  The “All Is Lost” Moment Is Not Only in Movies

  Grown Men Shouldn't Punch Walls

  Take Your Medicine and the Cure Will Find You

  CHAPTER 9: Transformation The Caterpillar, the Cocoon, and the Butterfly

  There Are No Small Parts, Only Small Actors

  A Cobbled-Together “Career”

  Breathing in Rarefied Air

  CHAPTER 10: Leadership You Can't Have Leadership Without Relationships

  Don't Be a Grinch: Serve

  Humility: Next-Level Leadership

  Delegating: The Art of Getting Help

  Big Star Does Not Mean Oversized Ego

  CHAPTER 11: Meditation and Relaxation Welcome to the New Age

  Being a Straight-A Student Is Overrated

  “You Are Enough”

  CHAPTER 12: Belief and Faith Don't Be the Guy (or Gal) Who Woke Up on Third Base Thinking He Hit a Triple

  Create Your Own System for Gratitude

  Why Not Me?

  Losing the Battle but Winning the War

  Keep Your Own Scorecard and Start with Easy Wins

  You Don't Need a Scorecard to Know If You Won or Lost

  CHAPTER 13: The Subconscious Dreamwork

  A Hollywood Nightmare of Self-Sabotage

  Chapter 14: Just Be a Good Person Live the Golden Rule

  Nice Guys Don't Always Finish Last

  Chapter 15: Focus and Singularity To Catch a Rabbit, You Can Only Chase One at a Time

  To BBQ or Not to BBQ? That Is the Question

  My Very Unsexy Manhattan Apartment

  “All That Matters Is That F*ckin' Box”

  CHAPTER 16: Facade versus Reality Don't Believe the Hype

  Beyond the Facade of the Red Carpet

  I've Finally Made It to That City on a Hill

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Index

  End User License Agreement

  “This book is a chance for people to benefit from the humanity and wisdom Matt Del Negro has acquired by grinding through his own 10,000 NOs for so long. His value far exceeds his art. His talent is only outweighed by his humility and ability to connect with others and make them feel better about their own journey.”

  —Bedros Keuilian, CEO, FitBody Bootcamp, bestselling author, Man Up

  “Being told ‘no’ can either define you or ignite you. Matt's powerful book gives you the courage and confidence to turn that devastating ‘no’ into inspiration. Through his resilience, determination, and breathtaking honesty, Matt shows how to navigate the sting of rejection and convert it into the satisfaction of success! This book is a serious life changer!”

  —Sue Hollis, Cofounder, The TravelEdge Group, Coach, Adventurepreneur, Top 10 Women Entrepreneurs in Australia, author of Riding Raw: A Journey from Empty to Full, motorbike racer

  “If you want a reality check, a connection to what it takes to get where you want to go in life… advice about the reality of getting past 10,000 NOs to the one ‘Yes’ you desire and will commit to, then make this your Life Bible. Absorb it. Listen to the words. Then go no further. Settle in. And make Matt's experience… yours.”

  —Roger Fishman, Adventure Photographer, author, What I Know, former Head of Marketing, CAA

  MATTHEW DEL NEGRO

  10,000 NOs

  HOW TO OVERCOME REJECTION ON THE WAY TO YOUR YES

  Copyright © 2021 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. All rights reserved.

  Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey.

  Published simultaneously in Canada.

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  Cover Design: Wiley

  Cover Image: © Corey Nickols

  Deirdre, for standing by when the “no”s felt heaviest

  Donovan and Bronwyn, may you never let the critic count

  Everyone else, for helping and encouraging me to keep going

  Introduction
br />   I had coffee recently with a very successful documentary filmmaker friend. The feature documentary he made a few years ago won the Sundance Film Festival documentary competition and sold for a lot of money. The next one he made was also quite lucrative, which is no easy feat for a documentary film. His most recent film, however, did not immediately find worldwide distribution the way the others had, so he reached out to me to share the news and talk through his frustrated feelings on the matter. When I realized the intent of his coffee meeting request I said, “Wow, I guess I really am a Rejection Expert, huh?” He laughed before explaining that he hadn't called me because of my own punishing track record. It was just that his very supportive wife, who is not in our industry, did not have the comparable experience of seeing two years of work deflate in front of her eyes due to the changing tides of opinion. And his fellow documentary filmmaker friends were somewhat in competition with him, so they might not completely commiserate. It was at this point that I fully realized the need for this book.

  This book will change you as much as you let it. It will not “solve” your life or tell you how to turn every “no” into a “yes.” But it will crack open more questions and deepen your quest for success if you allow it. It does not contain magic, just truth. It sheds light on many of the principles so many of us have pondered for years: perseverance, performance, work ethic, risk, belief, hope, faith. I focus the chapters in this book on these principles as well as on getting started, instinct, discipline and training, reframing, surrender, transformation, leadership, meditation and relaxation, the subconscious, being a good person, and facade versus reality. Some topics and chapters overlap as they are interrelated, and all present real-world perspectives. You can devour it in one sitting, as an actor's entertaining albeit sometimes cringe-worthy memoir, or jump around willy-nilly when inspiration and curiosity beckon you, using it more like a self-development manifesto. Either way, I hope that it will make you laugh, inspire you, and encourage you to take one more step toward whatever it is that brings fulfillment for you and makes your life feel well spent.

  Author Malcolm Gladwell proposed that people only become experts in a field after they've dedicated themselves to it for 10,000 hours. I agree with him. But I've also pondered the ability and practice of withstanding the word “no.” What defines my career, or anyone's for that matter, is the way I have chosen to react to constant rejection, perceived failures, and “lucky breaks” that have fallen apart due to forces outside of my control. That type of reaction, both when it was admirable and when it was embarrassingly petty, is what most people would call attitude, outlook, or perspective. For all of us, our ability to persevere is derived from a combination of innate instincts embedded deep in our DNA and lessons from the major influences and influencers in our lives, including our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, friends, siblings and so many others. It is our choice to seek out others who strengthen our resilience, as well as situations that test it, or to gravitate toward smaller-minded people who wish to keep us where they are or where they think we should be rather than encouraging our growth and challenging their own self-imposed limits.

  In July 2017, after racking up over two decades' worth of rejections, I launched a podcast, 10,000 NOs, in an attempt to find out how men and women in every field imaginable, facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, overcame their “no”s. What followed in the next three years has become the education of my life. This book contains quotes from some of my podcast guests that so perfectly reinforce the principles I have learned mostly through trial and error. Some of those guests are famous, some are not; two has died since our conversation and most are thriving. But the common thread is that each and every one of them is as flawed and as full of contradictions, pain, sadness, worry, joy, laughter, sorrow, and victory as the rest of us. They are human. They do not possess “the answers” nor were they born on the Island of “Yes.” All of them have stumbled upon the same tough truths by grappling with, battling, and overcoming a mountain of “no”s. It's not just a matter of learning from the tough times we experience, but what we learn, why it's important to learn from it, when we learn it—from hours to years after—and how we use those lessons to persevere.

  No matter who you are, or where you are in your career, you will have setbacks. You will be in need of counsel from friends and other supporters. And no book or piece of advice will make your pain go away immediately. There is no magic pill. But knowing that others have suffered in ways similar to you and somehow made it through is enough to help you pick up the pieces, reflect on them, and move on. Ironically, when I sat down with my documentary filmmaker friend I was feeling particularly terrible and self-judgmental about this book. That was when he told me about the Five Stages of Creativity, which somehow, I had never heard before:

  Stage 1 - I'm really excited about this.

  Stage 2 - This isn't as good as I thought it was.

  Stage 3 - This is terrible.

  Stage 4 - This is actually better than I realized.

  Stage 5 - I'm really excited about this.

  If everything were easy all the time, you would not value that ease. If “yes” were the answer to your every wish and demand, every victory and windfall would be meaningless. You think you want comfort, but what you really need is progress. Progress only arrives when a struggle is overcome. So, while I wish I could send you off into the world telling all your friends that this book solved everything for you, I know that would be unrealistic. Instead, I send you off into the world urging you to lean into your 10,000 “no”s. I urge you to really feel their pain and let that pain guide you past the “no” to greener pastures. I urge you to learn from them what not to do the next time, so you can turn those “no”s into a “yes.” I urge you to be grateful for them, for in them lies the wisdom of humanity and experience. There is no greater teacher than that which reminds you that your salvation lies in always striving, until your last dying breath.

  Matthew Del Negro

  January 2020

  CHAPTER 1

  Getting Started

  “You never know when those other supportive factors are going to want to converge around your work, but they won't if you don't take the first step.”

  —Jessica Blank, Writer, The Exonerated

  There are many things that can muddy the waters and make something so simple, like trying a new hobby or ditching a bad habit, seem complex. As crazy as it sounds, most humans will come up with excuse after excuse to try to wiggle out of doing the one thing they know they need to do in order to accomplish their deepest desires. But really, it all begins with one step. I believe you will only take that step, and change the course you are on, when the thought of not doing something becomes more painful to you than the thought of giving it a try. It really is that simple.

  Keep It Simple, Stupid

  The truth that most people fail to acknowledge, however, is that doing something, even if you're following a dream, can still be painful a lot of the time. When you're following a dream, though, there's a pot of gold at the end of the pain. That pot may not be filled with literal gold, but it should at least hold the gold of fulfillment. That fulfillment usually comes in the form of peace, satisfaction, and a pride that only comes from living with purpose.

  “We don't tell ourselves, ‘I'm never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I'm going to write my symphony; I'm just going to start tomorrow.’”

  —Stephen Pressfield, The War of Art

  People these days, myself included, are obsessed with the origin stories of those who have broken away from the pack to take the road less traveled. This is not surprising given the difficulty required to take the first step down any path. The question I'm asked the most, besides how I memorize all my lines, is how I became a professional actor. The trite answer I usually give in interviews is that it started with a girl. That leads to a story about a breakup in college while studying abroad, which ultimately led to my decision to quit playing lacrosse my ju
nior year at Boston College. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I auditioned for a play, and the rest is history. But perhaps a more truthful and accurate answer is that it started with a plethora of proverbial “no”s throughout my childhood.

  Before You Take Your First Step, Ask Yourself Why You're Moving

  Most people can trace their why back to some pain, rejection, or perceived loss in childhood that they are now trying to fix. I am no different. For me, my why was forged in the pain of my parents' marriage, which looked one way to my immediate family and another to the rest of the world. As the youngest member of the family, and the peacekeeper, I was constantly interpreting one family member's actions to another. Socially, my role was similar. I could always relate to most people so I'd find myself explaining one person to another, even if they were part of vastly different social subsets. The price I paid for keeping the peace was that I internalized everything and carried it around with me. Looking back now, it is easier to see that my career choice did not really come out of nowhere, the way I previously viewed it, as my job now is to interpret the words of writers and the experiences of the characters I play. But I had zero awareness of this link back then.

  On top of carrying other people's secrets around, as well as my own pain and frustration, I could never to seem to attain the things I wanted the most. As far back as the fifth grade, I'd pursue a girl I liked, get close to her, and muster up the courage to ask her out. But, one way or another, I'd end up alone after it fell apart due to a change of heart or some other obstacle I never saw coming until it was too late. Rejection is defined as the dismissing of an idea or the spurning of a person's affections, and I had plenty of both. I feel bad for a certain girl I “loved” in fifth grade because, while I've only run into her on rare occasions since we graduated high school, I never miss the opportunity to remind her of our date that never happened. I had charmed her enough to eventually elicit a “yes” when I asked her to the year-end town carnival, but on the night of the event, she stood me up. Two friends of mine still love to laugh about the memory of me riding The Whip alone in the rain. And while I can laugh at myself about it now, back then it added to the feeling that I was not where I wanted to be emotionally, and not sure I'd ever get there.